I rediscovered religion the other day.

You see, I was listening to Lost In Rock from Canvas, and within five minutes of pushing "play," I found myself on my knees, begging God to blow out my eardrums so I wouldn't have to listen to another note. Regrettably, my prayer was not answered, and I quickly re-lost the faith. After all, a merciful God wouldn't all for such a wretched album to have been created in the first place, much less allow me to listen to it.

Lost In Rock is a terrible album. I mean, there's no nice way to put it. This is scrape-off-the-bottom-of-your-shoe bad. This is play-loud-to-break-your-lease bad. This is music-to-commit-suicide-by bad. Some of the screeching vocal lines sound like the moment in Who Framed Roger Rabbit when Christopher Lloyd reveals he's the Toon who killed Eddie Valiant's brother. Remember that cartoon voice, and how it could shatter glass? 'Nuff said.

The band - Gareth Brown, Karl Fieldhouse, Daniel Kearns, Andy Sutcliffe and John Sutcliffe - show that absolutely no thought was put into this album. From the almost nonexistent cover art to the instrumented noise that takes up 62 minutes of time that could have been otherwise well-spent - masturbating to pictures of the bearded lady at the circus while wearing a barbed wire glove, for example - this disc is an audio portrait of what the D.T.s is like.

Musically, the problem wth Canvas is that they don't know what kind of a band they want to be - thrash metal, ambient rock, alternative, or pop. So, they throw it all together, with the same kind of chemistry that goes into making high explosives. The only difference is that the ten songs on Lost In Rock blow up not only in the band's face, but in the listeners'. Tracks like "Black Shape Of The Nexus (Mk. 2)," "Hail The Sky" and "The Sleep Of Reason Produces Monsters" are prime examples of what happens when a band not only doesn't do their homework, but they go into the recording studio without a clue as to what they're going to play.

Admittedly, by the time Lost In Rock eventually gets to "The Canvas Of Your Love," the 12-minute closing piece, things start to fall in place - but by then the damage has already been done, and nothing - not even Yahweh Himself - could save this disc.

Lost In Rock is the kind of disc which makes me want to call Brian Slagel over at Metal Blade and ask him, "What the hell were you thinking when you released this disc?" Canvas is living proof that not every band in existence should be offered a record deal.

2001 Christopher Thelen and "The Daily Vault". All rights reserved. Review or any portion may not be reproduced without written permission. Cover art is the intellectual property of Prosthetic / Metal Blade Records, and is used for informational purposes only.

Rating: F

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