If there's one thing I've always hated, it's the overbearing sports parent, the one who brags on their kid, rags on the officials, badgers the coach, and basically bullies everyone in sight in their desperation to live out their own fantasies of glory vicariously through their victimized, innocent child.

In the music world, the analogous individual would be the overzealous manager/agent/A&R dude who latches onto an unproven and unseasoned -- but marketable -- budding musician and, salivating for that ride on the gravy train, vastly oversells his artist's capabilities, jumps straight into recording, and then wonders why the act bombs.

This all comes to mind after receiving the promo package being shipped around by an outfit called New Game Media, pushing the debut album of one Daize Shayne, the expansively-titled Live Your Dreams.

According to New Game Media's breathless bio, "Surfing star, recording artist and model Daize Shayne lives the dream. Beautiful, athletic, feminine and strong, Daize is one of the hottest new rising stars to hit the entertainment scene." (Well, except for the part where no music fan who doesn't already own a longboard of their own has ever heard of her.)

The accompanying 12-page (no, that's not a misprint) photo collage lives up to the prose: there's your glamour shots, your surfing shots, your girl-with-guitar shots, your "just goofing around / ain't I cute" shots, your show-a-little-skin cheesecake and your tough-grrl shots. "The right image" says the copy on one typically vacuous page. Yeah, uh, even if I cared, which one?

Back to the bio. Good Lord. Has there ever been a musical act on earth for whom listing work as a "spokesmodel" would be considered a plus?

On second thought, forget the bio -- I can't take any more -- on to the music. The album itself is a mix of originals and covers. The originals are trite, predictable rock numbers ("Naughty Girl," "Can't Have Just A Little" ) that try to affect a somewhat heavy edge but have the street cred of a Nissan Sentra and the artistry of a paint-by-numbers kit. Even backed by a band full of session pros -- Ricky Z on guitar (Jessica Simpson), Ed Roth (Glenn Hughes, Ronnie Montrose) on keys, Carlitos del Puerto on bass and Jimmy Paxson (Sophie B. Hawkins, Ronnie Montrose) on drums -- Shayne's inexperience and lack of polish is evident on most of these tracks.

The covers are where things get really scary. Try to imagine a 20-something female athlete who's already in over her head actually recording a bizarre, interpolating medley of the Foghat classic "Slow Ride" and Deep Purple's immortal "Smoke On The Water" for her debut CD. Try to imagine said recording not giving screaming nightmares to anyone who has ever heard and appreciated the original versions of these songs. I wish I could, but it's too late now.

As for her cover of -- I kid you not -- "I've Got The Music In Me," that was the point where I really started to feel sorry for this young lady. It made me want to take her aside and talk some sense, as in, "Maybe you sang this to your mom in your kitchen when you were 14 and she loved it, but unless you're auditioning for the alcoholic booking agent at a fourth-rate Vegas lounge, it's not a good choice."

Bottom line is, given time to develop, there might actually be something worthwhile here. Shayne does appear to have some vocal talent -- especially on the one ballad here, "When You're Gone" -- and her compositions are not terrible, they simply lack subtlety or sophistication. Given the chance to learn and grow out of the spotlight's glare, Daize Shayne might in time produce music that's worthwhile. As it stands, her hack of a management team's abrasive overhyping of this unseasoned artist has succeeded only in making them all look foolish.

To Daize Shayne, I wish the best of luck in the future. To New Game Media, I wish a large and persistent infestation of cockroaches. (Oh. Wait. Never mind.)

Rating: D

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