Quite successfully, Fake Brain's So Glad You Came has easily become the worst slab of poppy commercialized crap I've ever heard.

The drudgery that is this disc begins with 1:25 of vocalist Gideon droning on that "the juices are starting to flow." Certainly, he can't be talking about the band's creative juices! The feedback-thick effect is overdone and Gideon's lack of vocal talent is apparent, even after less than a minute. His voice comes across as a cross between Archers of Loaf and Protein, both great bands. Unfortunately, Gideon adopts the weakest element of both of those bands vocalists: whining.

"Smile A Mile Wide" brings more whining to the forefront. Gideon intones, "Your smile a while mind/ should have been left/ by the roadside/ ah, look at them wrecked/ by the roadside." Third track "Your Drunk Wife" starts out with an interesting idea: "I want to spend/ the rest of my life/ with your drunk wife/ I want to go on a date/ with your drunk mate." The track eventually collapses into poppy fluff, complete with a zillion "ever ever ever ever" repeated.

The fourth track "Perfect Package" probably has the best guitar riff. Unfortunately, the riff drops to the back of the mix to allow Gideon's distorted voice to rant and rave about "the perfect package/ but there was nothing inside." Huh? Is he singing about the lack of quality songs on this disc?

That would be feasible since Gideon's illustrations of a heart with an arrow through it and a head with a bunch of different faces are interesting to look at. I suspect he referred to a medical book when he drew the heart since it's complete with valves. Either that or Gideon moonlights as a heart surgeon. Tell me what hospital he's at so I don't check in.

All in all, then, this disc quickly becomes a session in tired ideas, lyrics that read like cheap Primus imitations and music that doesn't hold my interest.

"Organism" is a perfect example of the band's drudgeries. On top of more Gideon wailing, lyrics like "Enzymes/ Synapses/ calcium/ protein/ that's what little girls are made of." Really? I had no idea! "Gimme Some Room" is probably the closest track to having a future as either a video or radio hit. At the same time, "it sucks to be suckered/ by a ventriloquist's kiss." No, it'd suck to be that stupid.

The disc's sole redeeming value has to be the upbeat syncopated "Up On 2 Wheels." Combining an interesting riff with lyrics about "I'm going to catch the bad guy/ Going up on two wheels." The guitar solo is even interesting. That and the song is only 1:41 long make this the best track on the disc!

I often find bands save their best material for the end of the disc. Not so with the final track "So Glad You Came." On top of a too-loud-in-the mix bass guitar, Gideon is wailing about "I'm so glad you came/ holding it in for so long/ what a shame." He must be wailing about an audience that came to see the band live. I would be grateful to that person as well!

Now, I realize this is the debut release for the band and that to expect something in the caliber of R.E.M.'s Green or the Cars' Heartbeat City is asking way too much. Yet, Protein's debut album Ever Since I Was A Kid is still brilliant, almost 3 years later. Other bands like Stir, Gouds Thumb, and Pure all created excellent music on their debut albums. So why doesn't Fake Brain?

I'm not 100% sure, though I'd go out on a limb and suggest it has something to do with the stupid lyrics, the annoying vocals of Gideon and the predictable melodies. No, the exact melodies on this disc are original; this isn't a cover band. That's what is probably even scarier!

Rating: F

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