This year has seen the return of one of the most celebrated female vocalists of her generation. The last time we heard from Donna Summer was in 1998 when she performed and recorded Live And More Encore, a special for the VH1 network that gave them their highest ratings of the year. 

It was during this show that Summer spoke of having signed a new record deal with the Sony family, and so her fans thought the long wait for new material would soon be over. They were to be mistaken, for whatever happened to that deal is a mystery and it would be another ten years before they got their wish with the release of Crayons this year.

I wouldn’t call myself a fan of Ms. Summer, but I sure as hell expected a lot better from her than this steaming pile of…and what is the obsession these days with digitally touching up photographs of anyone over the age of thirty? Summer'ss face is so overworked on the cover she looks like a mannequin. Not surprisingly then that the material to be found here is also way overdone, no doubt partly due to the ensemble cast of seven producers hired to work on Crayons. 

The metaphor itself is a good one: a box of crayons represents all the different colors and textures to be found within. The problem with Summer’s box of crayons is that too many colors and textures are covered, and even her soaring voice is not enough to bring a sense of cohesion to the proceedings. 

Everything from disco to samba and anything imaginable in between is attempted and herein lies the problem. The only thing that’s consistent on Crayons is the overwhelming feeling of an artist trying way too hard to sound relevant and fresh in a vastly different marketplace then the one she last encountered in 1991.

Lyrically, there is an overall vibe of a survivor who’s been around and is therefore offering songs of hope and healing. This should resonate with the listeners and have them believing in themselves with all the chest-thumping girl-power of a mid-‘90s Spice Girls gig. 

Take the opener “Stamp Your Feet” for instance, which is best described as “I Will Survive, Part 2." It comes complete with “inspirational" lyrics, a dated arrangement, and a chant inducing chorus of: “S.T.A.M.P." The upside is you can easily chant along the more fitting “S.H.I.T.E." without skipping a beat.

Next up, we have what sounds like Summer covering Madonna circa 2000’s horrid Music. It’s even titled "Mr. Music” and had me hitting the skip button after just the first line, "I got my iPod, shakin' my body." In fairness, I have since tried several times to get into it, but bad Madonna is bad enough -- bad Madonna by someone who should know better is just too much to swallow.

The title track is Ace Of Base revisited, and do we really need to revisit them? No we don’t, people, no we don’t. This is followed by “The Queen Is Back,” which is a car-crash of styles; think Mariah Carey and ‘NSYNC in a head-on. “Fame (The Game)” is the Euro-trash of the late '90s, complete with Summer rapping the verses and an overblown rock-style backdrop -- it's quite painful, this one.

“I’m A Fire” is a seven-minute dance track that isn’t half bad, although the lyrics are way bad, like “I am a furnace / Come burn in me” -- or what about this zinger: “Just like the sun reveals the sky / Just like the torch becomes your guide."  Rampant stupidity, methinks. "Slide Over Backwards” is stylistically as awkward as its ridiculous title. I could go on, but what would be the point? I’ve rambled on enough. 

So are there any redeeming qualities to this record at all? The answer, I’m pleased to say, is yes. “Sand On My Feet” is a quaint little song that features Summer’s voice up front in the mix backed softly by an acoustic guitar. It is, however, once more overdone by the production team with Summer’s voice heavily layered in that always annoying Mariah-esque breathy whisper for the chorus. I guess they just couldn’t leave well enough alone.

Overall, this is definitely the worst album I’ve heard from an artist of Summer’s status since Rod Stewart unleashed that rancid collection of “tunes” Human upon us some years ago. Crayons is absolute rubbish, a putrid dead-set stinker best avoided at all costs.

Rating: D-

User Rating: B

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